because I am free.

{flickr photo via ClareForster)

And as I formed the response in my head, they loomed up over me.

Hundreds of them, swarming the telephone poles and telephone wires, moving gracefully and fluidly and fantastically. Multiple murmurations.

The swooped over my car as I made my way to the red light, and I watched them just as quickly swoop back up, like a gentle yo-yo from the sky. Tiny black specks dancing in unison.

And I heard their message to me clearly and strongly: I am free. They are free, floating about as they wish, going in any direction they please. Free. Radically free.

I have always been free, and I always will be free. Like a great murmuration filling the sky, I am free. We are free.

And so I wrote the response, freely and honestly. I spoke my truth.

Because I am free.

traversing twenties: with Korie Kritzky

If could reach back through time and have a heart-to-heart with your twentysomething self, what would you say to her? 

She’s in her twenties, that glorified period of life when she’s supposed to be discovering herself, deep in exploration, living her most defining decade. And yet.....she may feel like the exact opposite. Or exactly that. Or somewhere in between. She probably doesn't even know.

Maybe you pour her a cup of tea, look into her eyes, wrap her in a hug.

What do you tell her? 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today's letter comes from Korie Kritzky, a sweet friend of mine from Connecticut. Korie and I met a few years ago -- I was her daughter's daycare teacher for years on end :) I fell in love with them both -- the whole family, really -- and it became so nice seeing a kind face in the mornings (when there were usually at least five other two-year-olds running about us at 8am, screaming). I'm so glad Korie decided to write a letter -- this one brought tears to my eyes. Thank you, Korie:

What I’d love to say to my twenty-something self:

I turned 40 this year.  Doesn’t that sound old?  For that reason, I simply avoid saying it out loud.  Glancing back at the journey, so much transpired in those 40 years which has channeled me to this point in life.  Is it where I am supposed to be?  Who I’m supposed to be?  I’m not sure.  But it is my life and I cherish every minute because it is mine.  The proud moments and the regrets, I own it all. Hindsight however, is always haunting.  If I could have a few minutes to chat with my younger self, I would have a talk with the 22-year old Korie, who just graduated college and is overly eager to make her future aspirations a reality.

You did it!  A hard-earned, well-deserved engineering degree!  You already know what is next because you start your career in less than a week.  A real job: full time with good benefits.  Congratulations!  I know that is what you have wanted for so long.   School and childhood were just obstacles to starting your real life.  Right?  You’ve always been praised for your grades, your wisdom and your ambition.  I know you feel that you must be on the right track and just can’t wait to jump into the world, putting all the tedium of childhood behind you.

The truth is, you already have a full life.  It always has been there.  You don’t necessarily need the salary, the new car, the house and the husband right away to be somebody.  All that stuff will come in time.  No need to rush.  You have many years to work long hours and make mortgage payments.  Your childhood is more than a stepping stone from which to launch into life.  Don’t run away from it.  You have strong roots with the parents who have loved and raised you, the friends who have laughed and cried with you, the teachers who have mentored you and the pets that have adored you.  More wonderful people will come and go over the years ahead.  What you can’t see and don’t know right now is that those people will eventually fade from your life and some will disappear forever.  

While you’re building your career and establishing your idea of life, your father has cancer which is spreading. Your best friend will soon also have a busy life of her own.  Once close relationships will be reduced to a yearly Christmas card exchange.  That is real life.  To quote John Lennon, “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”.  Take the time to enjoy the people and places.  Hold onto as many pieces of yourself as you can.  Keeping your past as a part of your present will take some effort, but I know you can do it.  Redirect some of that ambition.  

Someday you will look into the bright, blue eyes of your daughter and see the reflection of your father.  You will watch her radiate the spirited nature of your mother.  Two important people your daughter will never know and it will be your job to bring them to life with your memories.   Don’t stop making those memories while the opportunity still exists.  Visit your parents on the weekends instead of going to the mall.  Cook dinner for them. Take the old, loyal dog for a long walk.  Instead of dismissing the boring, small town, see the beautiful country that used to be your home for so many years before it gets developed into new houses and businesses.  The vast fields and forests you spent so many hours playing in as a child.  Your daughter is going to love those stories.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Korie Kritzky resides in Stafford Springs, CT with her husband, daughter and two rescued dogs.  She grew up in rural Northeastern Vermont and has moved around quite a bit in her adult years; having lived in various parts of Vermont, New York, Pennsylvania and New Jersey before eventually settling in Connecticut.  Korie has a Bachelor’s degree in Civil Engineering and a Master’s degree in Business Administration.   She currently works as a Construction Project Manager for a large retail company.

***

Read past posts in the series here.

Interested in writing for Traversing Twenties? Submissions are open! Email ruth@ruthpclark.com for more details. 

traversing twenties: with Christina Vega

If could reach back through time and have a heart-to-heart with your twentysomething self, what would you say to her? 

She’s in her twenties, that glorified period of life when she’s supposed to be discovering herself, deep in exploration, living her most defining decade. And yet.....she may feel like the exact opposite. Or exactly that. Or somewhere in between. She probably doesn't even know.

Maybe you pour her a cup of tea, look into her eyes, wrap her in a hug.

What do you tell her? 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today's letter comes from my dear friend, Christina Vega. Christina and I have never actually met in person before, just connecting first online and later over countless text messages, Skype conversations, and phone calls. But we've spent the past year and a half of our lives pouring our hearts out to each other, seeing just exactly how and why the Universe brought us together -- and realizing that miles and states between us means nothing to friendship. I've been waiting eagerly for her letter, and I think you'll fall in love just as much as I have. Thank you, Christina:

Dear 26 year-old self,

Sweet love, you’re trying so hard. You’re doing everything you can to make sure you do life the way you think it should be done. Your standards are high. You are driven. You do a lot of planning. And more planning. And then, even more planning.  And that’s okay.  Even though you’re exhausted, anxious, and scared to death of making a mistake – of making the “wrong choice”, it’s okay.

I have a secret to tell you though - there are no wrong choices. As long as you are following your heart and acting with love, there is nothing you can do and no choice you can make that will end up being wrong. Be true to yourself and you will see.

At the moment, you’re trying to fit into a box that is the wrong size and shape for you. You’re trying to be the idea of success that conventional society says you need to be.

That’s not for you though. Not at all.  That’s why this time in your life seems so difficult and uncertain. 

You’re a free spirit, and you need to do things your own way. You’re scared of that right now, of stepping into your true self, because you sense that it makes others uncomfortable. And you’re right. It sometimes does. Because, love, when you are living your truth you tend to shake things up and make people think and feel things that they don’t always want to think or feel. I know you think of it as a bad thing right now, something to be ashamed of, but I assure you that one day you will embrace it as one of your superpowers.

And know too, that the ones who are uncomfortable with your free spirited ways are just not your people. The ones who celebrate your light, and whose light you celebrate, those are your people – and you WILL find them. You are bright. You are powerful. You are strong. You just don’t believe that yet. But one day you will. And you will choose to not even try to fit into that misshaped box anymore. And you’ll know the freedom that comes along with that.

But first, you’ll have to go through a really stormy time. And I mean REALLY stormy. I’m not going to give you any details and ruin the adventure, but I will tell you that there is an extremely challenging time that you’ll encounter down the road a bit. The entire course of your life will change overnight, and you will be terrified. And I’m only telling you this so that you can remember to use this wisdom and love to pull you through the experience. You will want to quit, many times. Don’t quit. Don’t give up on yourself. Ever.

You will need this experience to happen so that you can release everything that holds you back from stepping into your truth. You’ll make it through just fine though. You have a resilient spirit, and there is no need to worry. Nothing will make sense at first, and you will be full of resistance and fear. But I want you to know that you will be like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of this mess.  This will be your opportunity to re-evaluate who you really are, and what you really stand for. It will also be your opportunity to learn forgiveness, and to finally understand and make friends with your biggest fears.

And when that happens, you will finally embrace your wild, untamed, passionate self and get reacquainted with the side of you that loves to experience the fullness of life. You will remember the part of you that loves to laugh, dance, play, and be really silly. You will love that carefree girl again, and you will let her out of the cave she is hiding in now.

You will sparkle and shine and glow, without apology. 

You will learn how to open your heart, surrender, and let the universe support you in all that you do.

You will learn how to love yourself, first and foremost, and to understand that you cannot truly have a fulfilling romantic relationship until you love yourself unconditionally. (This is really, really important so let’s be sure that the seed gets planted right now, okay?)

So in order to get to all that amazing, juicy stuff, you’ll need to know how to weather the storms that are approaching…Here’s what I want you to remember: 

Keep doing yoga. Keep writing. Keep making art. Keep taking photos. Those four things will heal you, and will become your foundation for living.

Also, open up to the possibility of Spirit playing a larger role in your life. You know how you’ve always escaped into nature when things get scary? Keep doing that too. You’ll see that within the trees, plants, and animals there is deep comfort available to you, and it is through your time outdoors that you will come to truly understand the interconnections of the universe.  And this understanding is like a secret key that will unlock the doors to where you’re headed.

Never ask “Why this?”, or “Why me?”  Instead, say “Thank you”, and trust that the river knows where it’s taking you.

Lastly, and most importantly, always follow your intuition. Base your decisions on your feelings, not on the “shoulds” that are running through your head. Those “shoulds” will confuse the fuck out of you if you let them. So don’t let them.

This is your life. And one day you will understand what that means. In the meantime, HAVE FUN. Truly. Have fun now, and have fun when shit hits the fan in a few years. Don’t stop playing just because you get 

scared.

You got this, babe. You totally got this. Your soul is always safe, you are never alone, and you are so loved.
Sending “big squeezies” through time and space….I love you so much. Never ever forget that.

-Your 35 year-old self

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Christina Vega believes in dreaming big, keeping it real, and never settling for less than your most amazing life. She is a single mama devoted to creating a soulful, peaceful, joyful, and loving life for her little tribe of three. Her choices in parenting and lifestyle are inspired by yoga, creativity, and playful imagination, with a strong connection to nature and Spirit. 

Find more of her at www.christina-vega.com

***

Read past posts in the series here.

Interested in writing for Traversing Twenties? Submissions are open! Email ruth@ruthpclark.com for more details. 

those children in the cribs.

{Sometimes a story needs to be told just so it can come up for air, just so it can get some exposure to the sun, just to let it out of its confines. Sometimes a story just needs to be written.}
 

The air is heavy, sweet almost. After waiting in the hallway for a long while, St. Teresa's nuns let us in. I try to hide my body's recoiling at the sights, the sounds, the smells.

Walk around and see where you'd like to help, they told us. Then just get started. I find myself drawn to the sounds of babies' cries and am suddenly in a room that is maybe the closest to hell I've ever imagined. I look back the way I came and see that my group is gone, already dispersed into other areas of the building. I am alone.

A rough-looking woman hands me a bowl of mush and says something to me in Kreyol that I can only assume means feed the babies. I hesitate, then take the bowl from her, about to ask which baby to feed before she spins around and is gone. I am alone.

My body can't take in all the violence to my senses fast enough. Mostly it's my heart, hurting. The room is filled with at least 20 cribs, crammed every which way. One, sometimes two babies to a crib, and at least half are crying. As I make my way around the room confronted with the arduous task of deciding which hungry baby gets the only food available at the moment, I finally notice the babies. The mattresses have no sheets, just plastic coverings that stick to their hot, sweaty, little bodies. And perhaps that's appropriate, since I spot a few babies that sit in their own urine. I have to look twice -- yes, they are sitting in puddles of their own urine.

At quieter moments I hear the flies, the room full of them. They land on the children's faces, arms, legs, bellies -- they do not even flinch. They are used to them.

I finally stop at a crib and begin spooning mush into a ravenous child's mouth.

But I realize the ones who cry are not nearly as heartbreaking as the ones who don't. They lie there, arms flung out the bars of the crib, limp. I didn't know much about life in 2007 but I quickly learned when to recognize that there is no life in a child's eyes......and I was sickened, feeling physically ill. I kept spooning the mush, sometimes taking turns between babies, feeling devastatingly helpless.

Going into that room was like slipping into a vortex, a messed up tear in the fabric of time that I sometimes question as real, looking back. It could have just been a bad dream. I don't know how long I was in there, but soon a member of my group was in the doorway, telling me we were leaving. I stood up, both relieved to be leaving this place and horrified at the thought of going.

That was it. A few minutes (or was it hours?) feeding some mush to a baby in a crib in a room in an orphanage in Port-au-Prince. That was it.

We drove back to the mission house in the back of the van, tumbling over the jarring roads and trying to hold onto the ceiling. My group members laughed and chatted. I wasn't sure if we had came from the same orphanage. I sat at the back, afraid to look up and reveal my tears, unable to even move my lips to make a sound.



Almost exactly two years later the earthquake would devastate Haiti. The schools we had visited would close. The retreat house we stayed in would be flattened like a pancake. The cook would lose her legs.

And those children in the cribs, with the flies and the urine and the mush.....I'd never know about them.

traversing twenties: with Gennifer Carragher

If could reach back through time and have a heart-to-heart with your twentysomething self, what would you say to her? 

She’s in her twenties, that glorified period of life when she’s supposed to be discovering herself, deep in exploration, living her most defining decade. And yet.....she may feel like the exact opposite. Or exactly that. Or somewhere in between. She probably doesn't even know.

Maybe you pour her a cup of tea, look into her eyes, wrap her in a hug.

What do you tell her? 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today's letter comes from Gennifer Carragher, a gorgeous free spirit with an endless stream of Instagram beauty. She has this amazing letter she wrote to her 21-year-old self that took my breath away, and I think it'll take yours away, too. Thank you, Gennifer:

Dear 21-Year-Old Me,

Life is hard for you right now. Really hard. But I've got a few things to tell you that will hopefully make life a little better.

First, you should know that you are resilient, resourceful and amazing. I know you don't believe that yet, but I also know how far you've come. From being homeless, squatting in an abandoned trailer in the woods, to having a home, a full-time job and a car in less than two years is seriously incredible.

You should also know that the fact that you were once made homeless does not define who you are as a person now. It was simply due to other people's problems. So you can release that burden and let go of the fear that people will find out who you "really" are and abandon you or hurt you somehow. Not everyone is uncaring or malevolent. In fact, most people aren't.

You struggle a lot with this feeling of separateness. This feeling that there is you and then there is “out there” - the rest of the world and everyone else. You feel like you are constantly being pinched, pushed down and made to fit into this tiny box all by yourself.

There are two parts to this problem.

The first part is the people who tell you that you're weird or stupid or crazy when you're just being yourself. Do not try to fit yourself into the mold these people have created for you. Don't try to make yourself “normal” to them. They are not your right people. Instead, seek out people who love you for who you are. People who enjoy your quirks. It will take you awhile to find these people, but you will find them. And you will find yourself.

The second part of this problem is that you have been trying to make yourself so small that you don't affect anything “out there.” But it's unhealthy to squish yourself down into your smallest self, not to mention impossible to maintain that position for very long. Instead, open yourself up, share your joy and be present in the moment.

“Yes,” I hear you say, “But how?” Here are a few ideas:

• Create Things - Paintings, gardens, cakes, whatever makes you feel good. We are all creative beings. We just have to figure out what we like to create. So try new things, experiment and figure out what your creative gifts are.

• See What Other People Are Creating - Visit museums, go to bookstores and take lots of walks while maintaining awareness of all that's around you. This will help so much when you're figuring out what you like to create and who you want to become.

• Perform Random Acts Of Kindness - I know that you carry a lot of anger about the lack of kindness you've encountered in your life. But the best way to receive kindness is to give it. That probably sounds like a bunch of new-agey crap to your 21-year-old ears, but it's the truth. Try it for yourself.

• Figure Out What You Like To Do And Then Do It - Rather than doing what people tell you to do or what you think you "should" do, do what you love. If you love reading in bed all day, do that. (At least on your days off.) If you love baking cookies or planting flowers or scrubbing toilets, do it. And here's the important part: You must accept that you love doing these things. Don't get angry with yourself for not enjoying the "right" things or the "cool" things. Accept who you are and know that there are other people in the world who enjoy the same things as you. You are not alone.

• Play - I know this sounds silly, but you must incorporate more play into your life. Let go of all seriousness, stop worrying about what people will think of you and go dance in the rain, dig in the dirt or climb a tree. Getting stuck in super serious mode will drain all the life from you, while engaging in play will fill you up with life. 

So that's all the advice this older and (slightly) wiser version of you can give. (I had to abide by the rules of time travel, giving away vital secrets from the future and all that.) Know that whatever path you choose in life is the right path. If you worry that you're on the wrong path, just remember that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.

Love,

31-Year-Old You

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Gennifer Carragher is an adventurous photographer + barefoot wanderer on a mission to help people rediscover the incredible beauty and magic in this world. To that end, she lives out of a van, traveling the US with her husband, dog and two cats.

She shares her adventures at http://www.gennifercarragher.com.

***

Read past posts in the series here.

Interested in writing for Traversing Twenties? Submissions are open! Email ruth@ruthpclark.com for more details. 

Sometimes I stop and look around and my eyes widen.

Sometimes I stop

and look around

and my eyes widen at where I am.

What I'm doing.

How I'm living.


Anxiety creeps in as

I wonder how it happened.

Who did the work.

Where the familiarity went.

Where the time went.


I dreamed that it was suddenly February,

huge changes had taken place,

no one knew but me,

and yet I had no recollection.


I woke up in a panic,

reminding myself how old I was

and where I was

and who I was.


Sometimes I stop

and look around

and my eyes widen at where I am.

What I'm doing.

How I'm living.


Sometimes it feels like I've forgotten.



But then I come back in,

look down at my hands and recognize them as my own,

feel into my heart and recognize it as strong,

read through my words and recognize them as true,


and am here.

Here, now.